WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BRIDGE OUR DIFFERNECES
Our core values and beliefs are often a mystery to us. We are not generally encouraged to actually take a close look at such things much less understand what they are and how they affect every interaction we have. Even when you've taken time to understand yourself better you may from time to time have to clarify or review what your values and beliefs are; they can evolve/change through knowledge and experience - growth. Through your actions as well as words what you genuinely value is what you most often communicate, but if upon reflection you find more and more your actions/words are not in sync with your core beliefs, then it is probably time to step back and evaluate.
Yes, we are responsible for what we communicate to others. No, it is not another's fault for your choice of actions or words. A question we can ask is, "Am I acting on this because of my beliefs or someone/something else?" In the answer we may find that in some cases our actions or words aren't appropriate for or conflict with what is at the center of our core beliefs and therefore may cause confusion for ourselves as well as for others. Maybe we are responding through values and beliefs that are not wholly ours for various reasons. Or possibly our once held values have changed because we are not one dimensional beings; we grow and evolve. Whatever the case, it may be time for some self-reflection.
Approaching relationship with an intent to be open and honest, and with an initial expectation that others are doing the same is very helpful in initiating first contact. This provides grounds to grow a mutual trust/respect. It can also expose dishonest intent on the part of the other or even yourself. Either way if you allow yourself to put forth your best image so that understanding can grow, you will have a better chance at understanding where the relationship can or cannot grow. Know that not everyone wants to be open and honest with you much less "friends" or "friendly". It is okay to agree to disagree and to walk away. Alternately, another may very much want to be open and honest with you, but could care less about you, who you are and what you believe or value. For whatever reason we all have our self-absorbed moments; some more than others. There is a time to decide if continuing forward in any relationship is the most beneficial choice for both of you or a group, but most especially for you, as you are the only one who can decide for you. Again, it comes back to what you value because in the end a relationship cannot flourish without understanding and a level of acceptance of each other's values. How badly do you want/need the relationship is the question you need to ask yourself. And what are somethings I can put into place/practice to keep things as respectful as possible.
For example in the matter of first contact, being yourself is best practice, but that doesn't mean 'wear your heart on your sleeve' or 'spill your guts'. First, have some idea of who you are what you truly believe, so that if something counter to your core beliefs and values arises you are better prepared for responding in an appropriate manner, or at least one that allows for keeping the doors open until you've determined whether or not you're sticking around. In other words, be aware of your "triggers". We may have heard that one great line for keeping doors open is, "I hear you", with perhaps the addition of "but I currently do not agree with you. However, I will take time to think about what you've said, maybe we can revisit it another time." As things are presently, I've found the line, "I hear you," has become an easy exit or a sort of brush off rather than honest response, so be clear. Of course it's the manner in which you say it also. That said, you must be willing to do what you say and at some point, be responsible for revisiting the disagreement open and honestly with the other/s. At the very least you may be able to better understand where they are coming from or have further questions to clarify and understand. Sometimes there will be no resolving the differences or points of view and here is where you may agree to disagree on a point/s and hopefully understand or move beyond it and if need be, walk away when that's not agreeable to you and/or the other.
Moving beyond, let's say there is at least the beginning of mutual understanding; perhaps some level of respect in the first meeting, here is where you may want to do a quick check on your values and beliefs and still think about what risks you are willing to accept before proceeding. Small conflicts can be accepted if there is a ground of mutual understanding. Sometimes these may be the things you each kid each other about, but accept because of the respect you share for other things. If you the concerns are raising become a bigger conflict, allow the other to address that. Again, be honest and respect that they have their own set of values and beliefs. That is OK. We don't have to be friends with everyone and everyone doesn't have to be your friend. What we can do is respect that fact and try our very best to have a mutual understanding of each others point of view. Not an acceptance of but an understanding that for now at least this is who we are, this is who they are and whatever comes of it is what must be. It is not the end all, remember we are capable of growing and evolving but most do this at their own pace and some never will. In the end walk away respectful of the other person without diminishing who you are or what you believe and let that lay the groundwork for whatever may come.
